am i someone maybe? the return of my land....
11:23 pm - April 01, 2007
wHY DID HE have to mess with my head like that? At least i guess, it was a temporary distraction from the poor lad i had been obsessing about.
last night i felt as though i was the new kid, in a scene i have been involved in for three years. Strangely confident, despite my chipped tooth, i found myself smiling, laughing.. joking enjoying myself. attracting the attention of guys who have never even looked twice at me before. of people who have never wanted to know my name. i wasnt just part of the crowd, i was an object of interest. a fairytale night indeed, and im' holding no high hopes of it reoccuring, i just want to bask in the glory of it.
after finishing work, i gave a couple of the boys a lift to the monastery. or at least thats what i thought i was doing. when we stopped outside the monastery, they all jumped out.. except for one.. someone who had requested to sit in the front. he wasnt hiding anything.. or so he said. There was something though, one look at his eyes, one quick memory of previous conversations. Did i want to go for a drive? was i doing anything tomorrow? could he have just one kiss?
i didnt want to go for a drive. not at all. Why i asked? how come you're interested in me so suddenly now. You have a girlfriend.. or you did last week. what happened. i reluctantly drove... i reluctantly got out of the car at the park. He obviously thought hed won. Not a chance. Proof he didnt know anything about me, proof that there was something strange going on. There will be no kiss. i will not invite you back to my house. What went wrong with the girlfriend? why me? he thinks we have a lot in common. how do you have a lot in common with someone you dont know, a person with whom the majority of dialogue has consisted of..Can y0u get me this drink? Can you get a drink for that girl there? and one previous conversation about the lack of attainable people in brisbane. Was he seeking revenge on the girl? was it a rebound thing? whatever, i am not having any part of it. Time to drive you home. what do you expect? you're not answering my questions. you're keeping something from me. I am a straight up honest girl. my situation is nothing like yours. and what makes you think i'm happy about it. why me? He tells me its a fantasy thing. One night of fun. For future reference anyone that is reading this - those are not winning words.
he had to direct me to his house. of course i've never been there before. this is it.. we're out front. do i want to come in. not particularly. a repeat of everythign we have just been through. a kiss on the cheek goodbye. is it because i'm not attracted to him? in honesty it could be... but then hes not unattractive to me either. we are different people. a moment of weakness.. one small kiss. a terrible drunk kiss so bad i pull away almost instantly. i laughed and told him. he wants to redeem himself. second try stil bad. a small thought runs through my brain wanting to teach him. how am i even qualified to teach though? i wonder what his sober self would be saying right now?
i drive off and my phone rings instantaneously. turn around. come back. come back to me. back to him? how does that work? excuses roll....back to back shifts.. exhausted...need to sleep...
something keeps me awake once i'm home... is it the emptiness of my bed? I message... out of curiousity i want to see if once sober he will still be interested. so i send a message reminding him he should share what he is hiding. just to keep me alive in his head. he wants me to come and pick him up. fAntasize away buddy i am staying right here.
true to every males form... there was no phone call today, as promised. no invitation to dinner after work, to play out the scenario. just silence. Boys are strange creatures.
