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9:12 pm - February 03, 2007
i wonder if she feels threatened? she shouldnt. she lives with him. but why is it whenever i am suddenly close to him she appears, and makes it obvious that he is hers. i know he is hers, for gods sake, i never wanted him to be mine. is there seomthing i dont know about it. is it wrong for me to want to talk to a friend i have neglected and not seen in what seems like a long time...
maybe thats why i felt so uncomfortable as soon as i decided i would go to the show tonight. i couldnt quite figure it out, but i was nervous about what i should wear etc etc. actually you know what i've realised tonight... i've never fit in at these gigs. i dont know why i go. i probably never will fit in. i dont have immense knowledge of bands or music, and i struggle to remember names of crucial bands and songs. i'm not very good at making conversation about anything and i kind of just nod my head along to music that i like...
have i ever fit in anywhere? does this akwardness come within? i am so confused.
this has been a down day for me, and i really wanted it to not be. and now that i'm trying so hard not to be miserable... its making it worse. i agreed to work for marty tonight, a decision i am somewhat regretting... oh the pleasure of being able to just curl up and go to sleep right now...
but then i think of what working tonight means... extra $$$ and every extra $ means extra holiday money.. which in theory means extra time to spend curled up next to him.
I've fallen. and i've fallen hard. somebody stop me before i hurt myself. i'm in the bottom of this wishing well, confused and deluded.
in the same confusing breath. i pulled away, you draw me in. I wanted you, you wanted more. I built this life, and now its mine....
